“A Suicide Note”

Life is getting very boring. The ubiquitous terrorism, plane crash, road accidents, diseases, naxalism and recession has created the fear of death in many mighty hearts. Now we think that the probability of death has increased.

So let’s embrace death. Let’s enjoy the Mirinda of death. Let’s solve this mystery that what is after death by walking over the symphonies of death.

For so long I’ve been looking for a person who can share with me that how death looks----is it she or he?? Is it beautiful or ugly??? Is it black or white or as colorful as a rainbow??? But sadly I couldn’t find such a creature.

So this has emboldened me to start a new consultancy. I want to be the first one to actually enlighten people that what death is all about. What are the features of death? Does it only have benefits or shortcomings too?

But the dilemma is that how should I die? Already surviving a boring life I want to observe death as an American Pie movie embedded with prom nights, lost virginities and naked mile. Or I want to taste it as the Raja Special Dosa (Raja is a snacks corner nearby my college) embedded with all the masalas, oil and butter produced in the Indian subcontinent. Or let’s death be a “Manoranjan Ka Baap” like Sachin’s 200 in ODI or Kumble’s 10 wicket haul in Test.

But the Q remains the same. What should be my escape route to death? I don’t want to be tagged as a loser by hanging myself to a ceiling fan, throwing myself on the railway track, taking sleeping pills or the cheap rat killing poison. Cutting my arteries will be too “Bollywoodic”. And for me these all methods are “shift+delete” mode which are indoctrinated for useless files or for files which are of no use (in this case people who are of no use). But I am special. I have to make my death memorable and historic. Following can be one of the way:-

• Me having sex with my neighbour’s daughter and his father caught us in his bed and chop me into pieces.

• Enjoying the sumptuous wine and then jaywalking naked on the highway. A lorry will come and hit me down.

• Landing myself in Pakistan and becoming the 1st whistle blower in the world by painting their walls with the Indian message that:-

“doodh maangoge kheer denge; kashmir maangoge cheer denge”

The result will be that I’ll be cremated as a true Indian and there might be a national holiday on my death anniversary.

• Rapes are always forced on females. I can be the 1st person to rape a man and this male dominated society will punish me severely for this illicit and barbarian act. I will meet death after gaining all the sympathies from women.

• This one is my personal favourite. After watching the rip-roaring video of Shakira (Hips Don’t Lie) almost 200 times when I came to know that she’ll be performing in India and when I actually watch her lustrous hips shaking and lying just 20 meters away from me, my adrenalin gave me a heart attack. Shakira sobbed on my death and assuming me to be her true fan started performing free in India every year to commemorate my death anniversary.

• The best way to reverberate about my suicide is to send a letter to the President of India asking him/her to grant me death as I am fed up of my life. Now every day 1000’s of Indians die and nobody gives a shit about it. But this will make me popular as “Breaking News” proletariats will not leave an inch of my news and there will be SMS’s, discussions, polls, and editorials questioning my decision.

If I keep thinking then this list will make my suicide note a boring dossier which I don’t want. I want to end my 72 per minute heartbeat in a way that makes people happy not because our oversized population reduces by 1 but remembering me as an opportunist who doesn’t even spare the opportunity of death to experiment and explore. So let’s die!!!!!!!!


"The article was written at a Competition "
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